Posts Tagged ‘fear’

I’m naive to a lot of things in life.  There is so much out there that I don’t even know about.  I like to think of myself as a well rounded person, but I realize new things every day.  For example, Saturday night I was watching Top Gun and realized then that Tim Robbins was in the movie.  It took me 30 years to realize that.  Maybe it didn’t take that long as I really didn’t know who Tim Robbins was until I saw The Shawshank Redemption.  I like to think I’m a pretty smart person.  Either that or a lot of people are blatantly lying to me.  While I am full of self-doubt, I do tend to believe I’m smarter than many people.  I clearly don’t know everything.  I’m not good at everything.  Some people think I’m a genius because I’m good with technology.  Well, give me some knitting sticks and yarn or paint and a paint brush and you will see me make a complete mess of things.  We all have our strengths and our skills.  They don’t make us any smarter than a person overall, just maybe more knowledgeable in a certain area.  School is one of those areas that I feel pretty confident in.  I always enjoy the challenge of a new semester with new courses.  I can usually have my strategy down after reading the introduction to courses and the syllabi of my classes.   There is a reason that I’m still a student at 36 years of age.  I love learning.

This morning I experienced something that is very unsettling to me.  I experienced doubt when it comes to my class this semester.  I started graduate school today.  I’m pursuing my Master of Science in Instructional Technology.  It is something I developed a passion for through my previous job at Wake Forest University.  Now I’m actually getting the formal education for it.  I don’t like this feeling of doubt.  It’s not doubt about how the class will turn out.  It’s self-doubt.  One of our first assignments is to introduce ourself and state where we currently work and our Instructional Technology experience.  Well, so far 6 out of the 17 students in the class have posted.  I’m one of the six.  After reading the other five, I feel like a complete loser.  I’m in a sort of panicky mode right now.  I feel that this class is going to require a lot of creative thinking.  I am not a creative thinker.  Well, let me rephrase.  I don’t think of myself as a creative thinker, but many people do.

Why can’t I see myself through their eyes?  Why do I have this self-doubt based on reading other people’s introductions?  Why must I always compare myself to others?